Loving Cupid
by The Nerd King
Summary: Ever wondered what it would be like if every woman on Earth fell in love with you? Hawkeye can tell you: it's not fun! Run, you poor little archer, run!
1. Chapter 1

"Clint, don't touch that," Tony warned.

Clint had offered to help Tony out with some of his equipment. He'd gotten bored and started looking around the lab.

"What is this, exactly?" the archer asked, curious.

"It's some prototype armor I'm making. I based it off of some of Hank's designs, from before he went crazy, of course. Hoping the Avengers might use it. It's collapsible, folds up into the suit when not being used, and it's more lightweight than my normal armor."

"Well, I hope you don't expect me to wear it. If you want me wearing your silly armor-excluding the space armor, that's a special case-I'd have to say I'd rather spend the day imitating Wolverine."

"You just said that to bug me."

"You know me so well."

"Well, if you want to make yourself usefull, could you move that tank over to the corner?"

Hawkeye lifted the tank and looked at it oddly. "What is this?"

"Something else I found in Hank's lab. Pheromones he's experimented on."

"Ooooookayyyyy."

Clint began to move the tank, when the Mansion's alarm suddenly went off. Hawkeye, suprised, stumbled backwards into a wall and dropped the tank, shortly after falling over into the contents.

"Ow, ow, Tony what was Hank doing to these pheremones, they're burning my skin, pheremones aren't supposed to do that are they, HELP!"

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Clint woke up in the medical area. Wasp was sitting nearby. She noticed he was awake.

"Clint!" she said excitedly. "You're OK! I couldn't stand the thought of you being dead!"

"Dead? I'm kind of wondering if Hank might have been crazier BEFORE becoming Yellowjacket. How do you make pheromones near-fatal?"

Jan laughed. "Good old Clint, still as funny as ever! I would have missed your humor."

Clint raised an eyebrow. Janet van Dyne was a very friendly person, there's no doubt about that... But this was a bit too weird, even for Wasp.

"Uh...why'd the alarm go off?"

"Some bad guy-Spymaster, I think it is-broke into the Mansion. Ya know, now that you've been through that whole pheromone thing, you seem a lot more impressive. I mean, you survive freak accidents, and stay a handsome hunk."

Wasp just called him a hunk! And gave him a flirtatious compliment that was completely irrelivent and...odd! Wait, was she flirting with him? Red flag! Red flag!

"TONY! HEEEEELLLLLP!"

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"Okay, okay, let's not go crazy," Bruce advised.

He, Clint, T'Chall and Tony were gathered in Clint's room. Why not somewhere better to talk about Clint's problem? Hawkeye was scared Janet would find them. Yes, Hawkeye was afraid of Wasp. What a strange world it is in the land of FanFiction.

"Clearly, Clint's pheromone dousing affected Wasp somehow, causing her to become attracted to him," said T'Challa.

"That makes sense," said Clint. "I mean, bugs use pheromones to find mates, right? Wasp has some insect DNA or whatever inside of her. She thinks of me as a potential mate. I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"So, what do we do about this?" asked Tony.

"My plan was to jump out the window, but any better ideas are welcome," Clint replied.

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Mrs. Marvel was returning from a battle with the Whirlwind. It hadn't taken long. It was _Whirlwind_.

Wasp greeted her.

"Hey, Carol!" she said cheerfully.

"Hey, Jan," the half-kree replied. "How've you been? Any luck getting Hank to fall for you?"

"Hank!?" exclaimed Wasp, agast. "I'm done with Hank. My sights are set on a different man."

"Who?"

"About ye tall, blond, carries a bow."

"HAWKEYE?!" Carol couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"I'm one hundred percent serious."

"But you...you don't...that's not...huh?"

The aforementioned archer walked into the room. When he saw Jan, he said something similar to "OH CRAP WASP HELP!" before straightening, smiling fakely, and waving as if they weren't only a few feet apart.

'What is going on here?' Mrs. Marvel thought to herself.

Then she caught a whiff of the pheromones.

That poor bowman never stood a chance.


	2. Chapter 2

This was a weird day for Clint.

Okay, the thing with Jan was disturbing. Now Mrs. Marvel's look of confusion morphed into one of suprise, then she grinned shyly and-was she _blushing_?!

"Uh, hi, Clint," she said. "You look good."

"Um...thanks," Clint replied, slowly moving backwards, knowing what was happening and not liking it. "You too."

T'Challa came around the corner, saw what was happening, and knew it was time to think fast.

He ran in front of Clint. "Hello, Mrs. Marvel, I think there's something important you should know about your powers I've discovered! Come with me!"

He grabbed Mrs. Marvel's shoulder and pulled her out of the room. Before he left, he whispered "Get some help" to Clint.

Clint looked over at Wasp.

"You free tonight?" she asked.

"NOPE!" he immediately answered, before pushing past her and running out of the Mansion.


	3. Chapter 3

Nick Fury walked into an abandoned warehouse.

"Hawkeye!" he called. "Are you in here?"

"You didn't bring Widow or Mockingbird?" the archer's voice called back.

"No."

Hawkeye walked in from around a corner. "You have to help me. I had this accident with one of Pym's old experiments, and now, all women love me. And that's a bad thing…I think. Wasp and Mrs. Marvel were exposed. They aren't directly causing me harm, but they're freaking me out. I feel uncomfortable in my own place of residence!"

" I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that-"

"Take a sample of the pheromones on my skin. Give them to Mockingbird. She hasn't been in contact with me yet, so she won't be in love with me…maybe…does she ever talk about me? You know what, never mind. Bobbi was a biochemist before she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. Could she make a cure?"

"Possibly."

"You owe me this much, Fury. I went to prison for one of your schemes. I was accused of being a skrull imposter because of you. You owe me!"

"Understood," the spy said.

"Just…please fix this," said Clint. "Soon. I was chased by women getting here. Barely managed to lose them. Believe it or not, the earth's entire female population falling in love just by being near you...is terrible."


	4. Chapter 4

Hawkeye was trying to sneak into his room in Avengers Mansion when he heard a strange sound. He looked to the front door and saw...

"Ah, great timing for YOU to pop up again!" he yelled at Amora the Enchantress.

The sorceress looked over at him and smiled. "Hello, Hawkeye. Would you please leave? I am going to destroy the Avengers, and I would prefer not to kill you."

"OK,this whole pheromone thing is getting really wired," the bowman said to himself, then to Amora "Look, lady, if you want to kill the Avengers, you gotta kill me with them. Why you would think otherwise is beyond me."

"Oh." The Enchantress sounded disappointed. "Well...I-"

She suddenly yelped in suprise and fell to the ground. Yellowjacket stood behind her, having just blasted the villain in the back.

"You chatting it up with bad guys?" the size-shifter scoffed. "Weren't you guys annoyed at me for doing this at one point?"

"Yeah, Death Adder nearly broke my arm. Good times. Meanwhile, what did you do to make your stings that powerful and why don't you upgrade Wasp's stings too, ya jerk?"

"What was that about pheromones?" asked Yellowkacket, ignoring Clint's comment.

"One of your old experiments. Makes all women fall in love with me. It's not as great as it sounds, trust me."

"And you didn't come to me about this why?"

"Funny little thing happened a while ago. Basically, it went like this: BOOM! 'Ant-Man is dead!' 'I am Yellowjacket now!'. Ring any bells, He-whose-entire-adult-life-focused-around-insects?"

"I wish I had a good comeback," growled Yellowjacket. "Look, if you're referring to thepure reminds I think you are, I experimented on them to try to turn insect pheremones into a way of subduing criminals without violence. Basically, I planned to turn the things into happy gas, calm riled up bad guys."

"Yeah, well, your attempt at a nonviolent tool nearly killed me, so...that makes you a BAD scientist, right?"

Hank sighed. "So Stark and T'Challa were useless, huh? Sorry to say, I know nothing about reversing the pheromones' effect."

"That's what I thought. Hopefully, Fury's got Mockingbird working on a cure right now."

Suddenly, Cap burst out the door. "Avengers assemble!"

"What?!" yelled Hawkeye. "What else could possibly be happening today!?"

"Umm…there's a disturbance down in the city. Unknown Asgardian. What's wrong with you?"

"Where have you been this whole time?"

"I was talking to Bucky-"

"Do you normally have meetings with Bucky? Why did I not know that?"

Wasp flew out the door and over to the archer.

"Clint!" she squealed excitedly. "There you are! I was wondering what'd happened to you."

"Oh, hi, Jan, you know what, we should get to the Quinjet, Avengers Assemble and all that," Hawkeye said quickly before running in the direction of the Quinjet.


	5. Chapter 5

Wasp moved to sit directly behind Hawkeye, but Yellowjacket pushed her aside.

"What…" he whispered to the archer, "…the Heck…is going on…with Janet?"

"I just explained this," he whispered back. "Pheromones, women love me, blahblahblah."

"Right, right…and you have NO IDEA how to fix it?"

"No! Wait…you're really upset about this…HA! I knew you still liked Jan!"

"What?"

"HAHA! And Carol thought you were gay for Tony!"

"WHAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

Everyone turned and looked at Hank bemusedly.

"This conversation will have to continue some other time," muttered Clint.

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"Amora! Where art thou!"

"Oh, boy," moaned Hawkeye.

Lady Sif was in the middle of the street, sword drawn, piercing brown eyes narrowed with rage.

The Avengers approached the Asgardian shieldmaiden…well, except for Hawkeye, who was trying to sneak away.

"Sif! Good to see ya, hot stuff, how've you been?" said Iron Man.

"Um, where's Hawkeye?" asked Cap.

"I'll go find him!" said Wasp excitedly.

"Hey, you should actually stay here, Jan," Hank said quickly, grabbing the woman's arm.

Clint had almost made it back to the Quinjet when he heard someone squeal "GOTCHA!"

Apparently Mrs. Marvel could sneak up on him pretty easily, even in her unsettling pheremone-induced state.

The half-kree flew over to the others.

"I found Hawkeye!" She merrily said.

'For the last few days, I was thinking about laying off Carol," the bowman thought. 'Not anymore! As soon as I fix this pheremone problem, I don't care if she breaks my arm, I will punch Mrs. Marvel in the face as hard as possible.'

Sif's eyes widened. "Yes, the archer!" she said happily. "I cannot believe I almost forgot thou! Tis good to see you once again."

She was smiling a HUGE smile, and her eyes had softened.

"Hmm…" muttered Thor. "This is most unusual," he whispered to Iron Man. "Sif is never this…happy…when she is hunting the enemy, and it is clear she chased Amora here."

"Yeah, I forgot to tell you," he whispered back, "that accident Hawkeye had in the lab recently somehow made women in his general prescance fall in love with him, even Asgardians, apparently. He's not taking it as well as others probably would."

"Thou wouldst be referring to thouself?"

"Oh, yeah, Thor. I wouldst."

"Why would you not tell me of such an occurance, anyway? The incident with friend Barton, I am meaning."

"I've decided not to talk to you about science anymore."

Meanwhile, Sif was…um, I don't know how to explain…i_nspecting_ Hawkeye, I guess.

"Um, Siffy?" Clint asked awkwardly. "What, um…what are you staring at me like that for?"

He knew why, of course.

"I did not notice this before, archer, but you are…VERY fit."

"Um, yeah, I grew up in a circus. You have to be fit to pull off some of the stunts I performed."

"A…ser-kus?"

"Yeah, circus. It's a form of Earth…of Midgardian entertainment."

"That sounds fascinating!" the warrior woman declared. She grabbed his arm affectionately. "Perhaps you can tell me about it…"

Thor walked over to the two and lightly tapped Sif on the head with Mjolnir, effectively knocking her out. She dropped to the ground, unconcious, still smiling, looking quite rediculous. And her armor just made it look more embarrassing.

"We cannot let Odin see one of his greatest warriors like this," said Thor.

"Yeah, you've got a point," replied Clint. "Can we not keep her at the Mansion?"


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm with Clint," said Carol, curling her lip in disgust. "She can't stay with us."

"I think Hawkeye's got a great point," said Wasp, as though Mrs. Marvel hadn't just spoken.

The two female Avengers glared daggers at each other.

"This could get weird," muttered Tony to T'Challa.

"Shouldn't we do something?" T'Challa replied.

"What are we gonna do, exactly? We can't exactly grab 'em and carry them away. We're in public, and people already dislike me for that…er, event last week."

"You mean when your robot malfunctioned and injured three people?"

"Now that I think about it, if I ever consider 'Armory' as a name for an invention, it's probably a bad idea to release it on the world. The point is, attacking our own teammates is bad for our image."

Meanwhile, Thor was explaining to Hawkeye that they needed to take Sif to the Mansion because they needed to keep an eye on her.

"Alright, fine!" the bowman snapped. "You pick today to start being intelligent," he murmured under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."


End file.
